Teacher Tales

Smile from the outset

I have met the type before, though it has been quite a while. The severe, almost austere face of the Victorian era teacher. You know what they are going to say; you feel it deep in your bones. You wonder whether you have prejudges them, misjudged the moment and then, vindication. “Ït’s definitely a case of ‘don’t smile before Christmas”, he says with a strange pride, as if reciting some dated mantra to others is somehow impressive. I sound nasty. I’m not and to be honest, it isn’t really his fault: he is just part of the inevitable journey; óne bit of advice is passed to another, then another, and another until it becomes almost an old wife’s tale.

I may be naïve and maybe this advice was once true but I truly believe it was never the case; it was a cultural mistake rooted in the concept of military style discipline where fear, punishment and stern severity is all that is needed to keep kids in line. Maybe so- debatable certainly but learning? Learning is something else and the English curriculum teaches application of skill, not simply retrieval of information and so, archaic concepts espousing the perpetual frown are futile- a pointless concept with no reward. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world: when you teach you should smile, you should grin, you should bounce with excitement about your subject, allowing young people to see your passion and desire for them to love it too.

Control through fear is the easiest and least effective way of leading. This system will always implode- check out Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini etc. There is no end to examples of fear based leadership which ultimately collapses. So, whether you are a new teacher or an experienced one, spread the word and SMILE. This year I began teaching in Tashkent, Uzbekistan- a place so different to my home of England but the smiling still works. It doesn’t stop you frowning and telling a student off when required but why frown as a rule? It doesn’t make sense in today’s world. I don’t think it ever did.

Talk normally. You're just a teacher!

Whilst all the jobsworths and promotion grabbers scrabble around for 'buzz words', 'jargon' and 'acronyms' that no-one understands, with the hope of befuddling the majority of teachers and deceiving people into thinking that they really know what they are talking about, others are simply getting on with the job by being...well, normal.

Ok folks, I have to confess that this isn't going to be an amazing 'Teacher tip'. For most folk it should be common sense but I am gob-smacked by how many teachers desperately try to sound cleverer than they really are and I am not just talking about in department meetings. For instance, whilst sitting drinking a coffee over a break time one might be faced with the following situation:  a newly qualified teacher concerned that her trampolining after school session is conflicting with a meeting of new teachers gathering to discuss their first few weeks at a new school. The sort of conversation you start to hear in schools goes as follows:

New Teacher: (who has yet to allow herself to be indoctrinised and sounds normal) Bloody hell, God knows what I'm gonna do about trampolining tonight.

Department Head: (New to the job) What has happened?

New Teacher: Don't matter. I've got 20 kids in tonight but I'm supposed to be in that meeting with all the new lot. 

Young Department Head: Oh right. Well, I think although the extra-curricular provision is importnt in terms of stretch and challenge you need to consider the CPD opportunity of the meeting tonight.

At this point any new teacher looks baffled as if the person speaking to her is garbling something in Indo-chinese and the older teachers are smirking at the department heads desperate atttempt to sound professional. There really is no need! Talk normally! Sure, when in an interview or talking to OFSTED no problem but please when with colleagues don't try to sound something more than you are. 

The same can be said for the classroom. It amazes me how many times I have seen a teacher fundamentally change their vocal tone, their demeanour, the timbre of the voice from the moment they enter a classroom. It is some sort of protective facade, a caricature created by someone simply not confident to be themselves. The most annoying ones are the screechy ones, the ones that put on a high pitched wail like a pterodactyl in pain. Other hilarious favourites include the super stern, straight faced 'never smile before Christmas' types who speak with an authoritarian slow drawl and of course the annoying teacher that pauses even if a mouse farts. I know you should not talk over the children but some become so boring as their staccato tones constantly hit a wall and the...reason...why........................they....................................were spe........aking..................in the first place has long................since...........erm....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What you say can be so generic as well. Don't say things you think every teacher should say:

"How dare you!"

"I am giving you your last warning"

Or the dreadful collective generic, " Year 10" or "Year 8, will you listen".

This isn't your voice! The kids see you as another boring, robot devoid of a personality and they have switched off. I am not going to tell anyone what to say but be yourself- speak with yourself, express your emotions and feelings and remind them you are a person and a person that cares and that who they are hearing is actually you. Confident people do not pretend to be someone else. There are those who say teaching is an act! Erm...I disagree.

If you can't beat them join them.

One of my finest moments as a teacher, though certainly not in an OFSTED sense, was when one of my students walked up to me at the beginning of a lesson, straightened my tie and said,

"Are you going to let us do some work today?"

I laughed. I was still young in my career and I think I had been having too much fun. They were a great class and achieved outstanding grades across the board- maybe without this student things would have been different. However, what I learnt from this episode in my life was that you, as the teacher, should be sillier, or are even more mischeivous than the kids- that way, they don't want to misbehave as they are being entertained by you and it is clear that you are not easily affected by their attempts to create disharmony.

An example in my recent career was when I was supervising a mock exam in a classroom with a group of mixed ability and slightly naughty year 11s. There were two particularly challenging students who were clearly focused on disrupting and upsetting the others. Whilst we sat in necessary silence the first of these gruesome twosome decided to make a subtle noise which goes a bit like this:

"wereeeerrrrrr" with a little growl on the end. This was followed by a repetition of the noise from the second protagonist. I looked up somewhat confused but of course all heads were down looking at the exam. The bizarre noise was repeated again and then again. At this point, what these students wanted was a classic 'Who was that?' and 'How dare you interupt an exam?' type speech. But as I keep reiterating on this website, 'do not give them what they want.

I pondered. I considered. Then I announced the following sound, about ten times louder than any of the students had attempted:

"Wereeeeerrrrrrreghhhhh!!!!!!!!" This was followed by a pause. I looked down and the whole unfortunate episode came to an end.

The Bard is the Answer

Students love the wacky, the slightly unhinged (not in a psychopathic killer kind of way), the curious and the eccentric. It makes the teacher a talking point, an interesting character- let's face it, who remembers a boring teacher? What is upsetting is that such memories will be the product of a previous generation- a tale to betold by grandparents to doubting teenagers unless teachers manage to break their programming; throw off the shackles placed upon them. We are not clones, we do not need to be the same and we can be ourselves.

We all need to deal with silly behaviour and all of our schools no doubt embrace behaviour systems and list a series of crimes and punishments but sometimes all that is needed is William Shakespeare. When a student is being cheeky, calling out or trying to show off, throw them completely by quoting the bard. It doesn't have to make sense but watch a students' face when the lyrical rhymes and stylish iambic pentameter befuddle them.

Students calling out and shouting in class.

Teacher: (Top of voice) Oh Lord, what fools these mortals be!

or

Student: This is so boring!

Teacher: Though age from folly could not give me freedom, It does from childishness.

This is often met by silence or surprise but at other times some child will mock what they will see as silly words. Do not be perturbed or put off, just continue and break into a longer speech:

'If music be the food of love, play on.

Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

Oh that strain again, it had a dying fall

It came o'er my ear like a bank of violets,

stealing and giving odour.

Enough, no more, 'twas not as sweet as 'twas before.

Most students will have fallen into line by now and be not sure what to do next.

The Curved Ball

During my 21 years of teaching, one of the key things (yes it is deliberately vague) is that students often expect a reaction or a particular response from their teacher. Students desperate for negative attention, students whose lives at home, have been, shall we say, challenging? Along with others who just want to be noticed or show their disdain for authority are taught to expect responses from teachers; conditioned to know exactly how a teacher should respond. And (I know I started a sentence with And- it's another 'curved ball') we , as duty bound professionals, give them that exact response. As schools in the UK continue to emasculate teachers, strangle their individuality and rip out their personalities we, of course, become predictably robotic; clone-like and as such play right into the hands of our students rebellion.

Most schools in the UK are systems led: systems created by strategic leaders who probably haven't taught for years and some who probably never have. Don't misunderstand me: this isn't a general criticism of modern education but a realistic statement on what happens. I know there has to be systems but we must never let the systems control us to the point where we fail to use our human judgement and our brains. So...that curved ball!

What I am about to share with you will not work for a formal observation or when the omnipotnet OFSTED inspectors are hovering- this isn't about passing OFSTED, it's about daily survival. Like many of my fellow teachers I have faced some surprising and bizarre behaviour in the classroom and the corridors.

Scenario 1-

Scruffy boy (probably underfed, and definitely not looked after well) is eating a bacon cob that he bought from the school kitchen. It is lesson time and he shouldn't be eating in class. He is often defiant, and doesn't respond well to confrontation.

School behaviour policy says-

challenge him, tell him to throw his bacon cob in the bin. When he refuses, warn him, note it down on the computer system and ultimately send him to isolation for refusing to follow school rules.

Curved ball-

Teacher wanders round and whispers in kids ear, 'I love a bacon cob! Has it got brown sauce on it?' Kid looks confused as you have not followed standard rules and so he is temporarily uncertain. At this moment you say, 'hungry then?' Stay friendly; big smiles and say 'go and scoff it outside dead quick and drop back in big fella'. As he exits, say, 'hurry up or I'll eat it myself', whilst laughing to show you are joking. 

Notice how you keep the language informal, on their level and humorous.

Scenario 2

Class of 'bad ass' 'hard' lads perhaps 15 or 16. They are rude, uncoperative and they swear a lot. One boy loses his temper and says 'Fuck off!'

School behaviour poilcy says-

challenge the swearing and poor behaviour, warn them and then isolate one and probably a lot more. Lines like 'I am now giving you your warning' or 'Stop swearing!' don't work here. These kids come from a world where that behaviour is normal and you are simply another middle class figure of discipline. The socialisation of school rules has obviously had minimal impact and so it is too late for this.

The concept of not accepting being sworn at is absolutely right and there must be a clear rule here but these boys are excluded regularly and are going to become a big problem for society because people just send them out, home etc time and time again. This class is maybe 8 to 10 youngsters so they are not badly influencing better behaved kids. The rules can change- do not let the tail wag the dog.

Curved ball- When told to 'fuck off' smile and say someting surprising like,

'that's what my wife said to me this morning'.

or

'I'd love to but my kids'll starve if I do that'.

or even,

'chillax my friend! Just trying to help you''

The idea is once again to not respond how these students expect you to. You need to be real, not just a systems led teacher. In time, kids will repsond better to you when they know you are actually a person. The curved ball here takes the sting out of the situation.

Don't do what they expect you to do or you just become another part of the ubiquitous corporate machine: